My ideal man

I've always been a very 'curious' girl. I've been with many men and had many boyfriends, it's not something that I'm proud about but it's a fact; and I might not be proud about it but I don't regret it (well, I do regret a couple of the worst) because I've learned so many things about what I don't want in a person. Anyways, it's common to be asked what your perfect mate looks like or is like throughout your life and I've obviously been asked this question many many times; I had never been able to answer  this question, i really could never picture a perfect mate since I had been with all kinds of men and none of them had been like very special for me in a way, maybe they were special but there was nothing in particular that made me fall for them; so whenever i was asked this question I only answered something like "I don't know, I have no stereotype, I've liked really different guys" and went on thinking it'd be impossible for me to ever have a stereotype. After many guys I finally tried to settle down with this extremely beautiful swiss guy, our relationship was beautiul, it started as the most perfect and beautiful relationship ever, I bet many people envied us in those times, we would be so cute and we would do many sort of fun things together in the cutest way and yet the passing that existed between us was very evident and the hughest u can imagine, we couldnt be away from each other and kissing each other, at the end, after almost two years, it was not soo good anymore, we would fight a lot and our lifestyles were not very healthy so we came to breaking up, it was the weirdest thing because I was so sure about spending the rest of my days next to him and i was never completely sure about leaving him, but he went back to Switzerland thanks to my dumb advice and now he's miles away. He left and my world turned into only darkness and tears, everywhere I went reminded me of him and of how we were not together anymore, distance is a bitch, let me tell you... Anyways, I tried to keep going because the suffering was terrible. I tried to date some guys and damn, they were like some of the best I've dated but there was something that didnt let me open myself, that didnt make me feel all that stuff you are supposed to feel when u are dating someone and so, there was something wrong with me, i've always been so flirty and good with man, and right now i couldnt flirt, I couldnt go to the next step, even if they were fun, cute, smart, there was something missing and just today I come to realize that I do have a stereotype, I do have an ideal man and no matter what the future brings, the bar was set up too high, I came to find myself in an amazingly unbelievable comfort-hapiness state that i had never felt and im sure i will never feel again, I was myself and he was himself and that made us the happiest couple ever. Here is the description of my ideal man: He is tall and thin, he has light skin, not as light as mine but yes pretty light, his hair is light brown and curly, he likes to have long hair most of the times but he looks incredibly cute even if his hair is short, his eyes have to be three colors, blue, green and yellow and he's got to have a beautiful shinny look, he has big eyebrows and eyelashes, a big but cute nose, he also has a big chin divided by a sutile line, he's got to have freckles all over his body and a few remarkable ones on his face, his lips are not big nor are they small but they fit mine perfectly and they have a beautiful pink, he's got to have big (not super big) teeth in their right place, his body is not all muscles, he's rather really thin but yet strong enough to controll me in bed, he's got big feet and long fingers, he's got to have a problem pronouncing the letter "s" and he definitely has to be a perfect English and Spanish speaker and he also needs to speak German or more languages than I do, he's gotta be a geek and love all those things like StarWars, Walking Dead, Aliens, Comics, Science and so. He needs to smoke weed with me ocasionally and have sex frequently without limits, he has to share all the kinky fantasies I have with me and fuck me as if there were no tomorrow. He has to be a really good person that I know will never hurt me, he's gotta write me nice cute letters with hearts and happy faces and know me enought to give me a guitar hero game on my birthday, he needs to want to spend his time with me just as much as I want spending mine with him,  he needs to have a red volskwagen and he'd be even more perfect if he didn't know how to park correctly, he's gotta love cats and preferently have a black one that he loves more than many other human beings, he needs to be antisocial and my best friend, he needs to be jaleous from other men, he's gotta like pizza and makis and pasta because that'd be the only thing we'd be eating on weekends, he's gotta have some particular fears like fear of  touching his eyes or fear of the  veins on his body, his sweat has to smell so particularly that I'd love smelling him even when he hasnt taken a shower. That's only like 25% of what my ideal man looks like, but now I'm sure that if I don't find anyone else that has ALL those specific characteristics, I'll never feel happy and fullfilled ever again so, good luck guys! If I never get together with my swiss buy again, my heart will never be anyone else's again.

Hierba

Y bueno, cómo no lo pensé antes? Eres tan feliz... Que diablos me hizo pensar que quizá querías ser feliz conmigo, solo importas tu. Decidí no escuchar cuando te describieron con la palabra "mierda" cuando me dijeron que ni me acercara a ti porque pensé que simplemente era gente que no te conocía bien, me quise dar la oportunidad de conocerte. Te di todo, te mi tiempo, mi confianza, mi cariño y, como me haces sentir acerca de esto? Que fue un error; sabías que decir y en que momento, parecía que sentías lo mismo que yo, me dijiste que me querías, te dije que yo a ti, la única diferencia es que yo si lo sentía, realmente, y si tan solo un porcentaje de las palabras que me dijiste hubiera sido cierto, no te hubieras comportado como lo hiciste, simplemente dejándome de hablar, ignorándome y pasando de largo el hecho de que me siento terrible. Al menos sé que no quedo en mis manos, quise hablar, te dije lo que sentía pero no fuiste lo suficientemente fuerte como para decirme las cosas directo. "Gracias" finalmente, creo que no valías la pena.

Un 'Te amo'

Te entrego un te amo, un te amo especial, uno que me desnuda totalmente frente a ti, que te muestra todo lo que soy, un te amo con el que puedes hacer lo que te plazca, que te permite hacer lo que desees conmigo, que te da el poder de matarme o revivirme cuando gustes. Te regalo el te amo más profundo que has escuchado, uno que me entrega a ti en cuerpo y alma, aquel te amo que seguramente permanecerá en tus pensamientos hasta el fin de los tiempos, el te amo más sincero que se ha podido pronunciar.

I'm done

Hola, estoy bien. Mentira. Tragedias y problemas me sobran, más nunca he sido partidaria de la depresión o de dejarse afectar por ese tipo de cuestiones que nunca van a faltar en la vida, más ahora es diferente, es algo que llevo dentro. No he sido una mala persona, al menos con los demás no, a lo único a lo que he contribuido es a dañarme a mí misma. A propósito? No. Por qué? siempre voy a responder lo mismo a ese tipo de preguntas: por imbécil. No hay otra razón, decidí dejar mi postura existencialista de desprecio hacia la humanidad, sus actitudes y costumbres ridículas, y unirme a ella, a la basura de la sociedad, aún recuerdo cuando los problemas eran simplemente los necesarios, y cuando no eran mi culpa. Obviamente me arrepiento de un par de cosas, bueno, de casi todo, es confuso; gané mil y un experiencias que compartir para prevenir a la gente, gane amistades inigualables, aprendí a tratar a la basura, a la repugnante sociedad en la que vivo y también a no ser tan débil y aunque se escuche como un pretexto idiota y algo ya bastante trillado, es muy cierto que lo que no mata, hace más fuerte.

Todos los días hay un punto en el que me pregunto "Por qué?" Por qué diablos hice tanta estupidez, por qué me mezcle con todos. No sé, y aunque fue muy poco el tiempo, ya me afecté demasiado y fue más que suficiente. Me di cuenta de tantas cosas, antes había cosas que simplemente no contemplaba, hay tanto egoísmo, tanta basura, tanta maldad en ciertas cabezas que te preguntas cómo diablos pueden vivir con ellos mismos, gracias a Dios ya sé que existen. En fin, el día de hoy, o más bien, desde hace unos días no dejan de molestarme los malditos últimos meses, no dejan de perturbarme imágenes y recuerdos, quizá no muy fuertes, pero que lastiman, que me auto defraudan, palabras que salieron de mi boca, actitudes estúpidas, qué paso conmigo? ALTO. No puedo seguir así, no puedo seguir frecuentando lo mismo, o al menos no de la misma manera, debo de volver a ser yo, y no simplemente debo, sé que lo haré. Sé que es difícil, mucho pero me es imposible seguir viviendo de esta forma. Además al parecer llegó el motivo.